


Ringo's Bingo: A Ratner Story

by VodkaFridge



Category: Real Person Fiction, Star Trek, The Beatles (Band)
Genre: Bingo, Confessions, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Getting Together, Love Confessions, M/M, Ratner, Slow Burn, bingo man, bingo partners, ringo is oblivious
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-30
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:34:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 8,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28438455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VodkaFridge/pseuds/VodkaFridge
Summary: Ringo Starr the former drummer of the Beatles and current ms paint artist opens a Bingo place. He wanted to give his art more exposure after it wasn't being sold as well as he expected. Enter William Shatner the disgraced cis actor and Twitter troll. He caught wind of Ringo's beef with comparator Bingo places on Twitter and made it his retirement goal to help him. Will they fall in love? Come find out.
Relationships: Ringo Starr/William Shatner





	1. New Beginnings

Ringo woke up. It was his first day running a bingo place. He was very excited to be a real bingo man. He turned on his phone and opened Twitter. He began his live tweeting about his endeavors as a bingo man.

 _@bingomanringo So excited to run my Bingo shop! Peace and love!_ 😎✌️☮️🐙🥦🅱️⭐️❤️

Now that the people are updated he was ready to officially start his bingoy day. He took a shower and ate a very vegetarian breakfast so he would be completely ready and prepared for the bingoing.

He arrived at the building that was to be his bingo place. He bought it from a failing year round Halloween store. He had already paid people to put up a sign that said Ringo's Bingo. He was very proud of this name because it rhymed. He walked in and the place had already been set up to look like a real bingo shop. He had told his people to put his art on the walls and they had. It made the place look much better.

He got set up for his first bingo game as a real bingo man. He tweeted that he was going to have a game tonight and knew all his dedicated fans would come and try to win one of his beautiful ms paintings. 

_@bingomanringo My first bingo game tonight at Ringo's Bingo! Please come down and support me, I know all my real fans will be there! Peace and love!_ 🥦❤️😎✌️🕊🍆☮️⭐️🐙

After the bingoing was over he reflected on how great of a first bingo day he had. He was very happy for all of his amazing fans who showed up and supported him. He was only able to sell one of his ms paintings but several people won some during the games. They are going to love the beautiful new additions to their homes. 

_@bingomanringo Thank you for the wonderful bingo game! Peace and Love!_ 🥦🍾💞✨💗☮️🍃❤️🐙

A man walked in, he looked like he was in his late 80s early 90s. Maybe he was some more business.  
“Sorry the game is over.”  
“Oh I’m not here to play bingo! I’m here to talk business, kid!”  
“Business?”  
“Business you young whipper snapper! Do your ears not work? You and your generation with your loud rock music! Back in my day we listened to real artists like the Beatles.”  
"But I am the Beatles!"  
"You're just a drummer kid, you're nothing!"

 _@bingomanringo One of the competing bingo owners just said some things that weren’t very peace and love._ 😕

Ringo felt like crying, why did he ever think he could do this? Before he could start crying he got a notification.

_@WilliamShatner Don't listen to those silly trolls dear. They no nothing I'm sure you're the best bingo man._


	2. Prep

“ _Make me a bingo man!_ " Ringo cried but the Bingo man just kept on bingoing.  
Ringo awoke from the horrible nightmare in a cold sweat. 

“Oh good, just a nightmare to wake me out of bed for breakie" he examined with a sigh.

He pulled out his phone and checked his dms 

_@WilliamShatner: Hey bingo man!_ 👈

_@bingomanringo: Hey Shatman_ 👉

_@WilliamShatner: So I was thinking of a way to get rid of those silly trolls…  
and maybe…  
I can help you run your bingo place  
Now I know I’m new to bingo but I’m sure with your great expertise I can learn❤_

_@bingomanringo: YES!  
I would love to teach you the ways of bingo  
I never had anyone want to run a bingo place with me!  
I'm very excited!_

Ringo excitedly got out of bed. He went downstairs and cooked himself an amazing vegan breakfast. 

_@bingomanringo Just had an amazing vegan breakfast! Remember to always wash your veggies kids! Peace and love!_ 💦🍆🍌🥦🥔🥒🥕🌽

He put on his favorite red shirt, black pants, and red trench coat. He wanted to dress nice for Shatner since it would be the first time he met him. Ringo could feel butterflies in his stomach. He’s so anxious to meet the Shatman. He hoped they would get along as well in person as they did on Twitter. 

__________

Shatner got out of bed that morning feeling happy then he has since his star trek fame. Ringo was going to teach him the ways of bingoing, he was going to meet him at his bingo place today. He was vibrating with excitement at the thought. 

He bit his lip as he saw Ringo’s new tweet about his veggies. Shatner stared at his phone as he contemplated a response. He really did want to help Ringo wash his veggies if you know what he means.

_Drafts_ _@WilliamShatner Damn Ringo I can help you wash your veggies_ 🍆💦😩😏

He quickly drafted the tweet slightly embarrassed that he ever wrote it out in the first place. His childish crush on the ex drummer started way back in the 60s when his band started to grow popular. He remembered fondly about how he bonded over the Beatles with George Takei. It was the only thing they agreed upon since their feud ran deep. Shatner thought about texting him about it, both to brag and ask for advice, but their feud had worsened over the years and he knew it was a bad idea.

Anyway to get to the point he was desperately in love with Ringo. He would think about Ringo while lying on his back as he scrolled through his twitter feed. Occasionally letting out a content sign. Last night he was happy to see that he finally had an excuse to talk to Ringo. As he gracefully slid into Ringo’s dm’s all of the pinning he had done for centuries had led up to this moment. 

Shatner put on a green sweater over his blue collar shirt with black pants. He wanted to look his best for the love of his life Ringo Starr. He grabbed a cup of ambition (coffee) and walked out the door.


	3. Shatner's First Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is dedicated to William Shatner because he blocked us on twitter for this story.

Shatner walked slowly up the front steps of Ringo's bingo place. He looked up in awe at the sign saying Ringo's Bingo. Seeing the love of his life's name like that, so large and on display for everyone to see made him proud. Ringo really is the best bingo man ever. 

He walked inside full of anticipation, hoping Ringo would still like him after meeting him in person, as that was not the case for most. He looked across the room to find Ringo standing there to greet him.

Shatner looked Ringo in his beautiful galaxy eyes and knew that this was the man he wanted to spend the rest of his short life with. He made his heart flutter in all the dangerously unnatural ways. His hair was pushed back revealing his forehead, his hair looks sexy pushed back.

Shatner put out his hand and he shook it.  
“Hi my name’s Shatner.”  
“I know.”  
“Oh yeah sorry.” Shatner looked down at his feet in embarrassment.  
“Well maybe we should go over what you’ll be doing at Ringo’s Bingo.”  
“Umm sure.”  
Ringo led Shatner into his office which was furnished with colorful furniture that looked like it could be out of a circus. The walls were a bright neon yellow. The fabric on the chairs were red and yellow and looked like they were made out of an almost plastic rubber material. The walls had ms paint art hung up. His desk was the exception being grey and marble like. Shatner got distracted by his amazing decorating skills and Ringo told him to sit down. 

“So what you will be doing is helping me set up and take down tables, chairs, and whatever gifts we’re giving away. If I happen to go missing then you will take over as bingo man.”  
“If you disappear I will find you and your kidnapper.”  
“Anyway that’s all very unlikely to happen.” Ringo stood up and so did Shatner.  
“So Shat, you mind if I call you Shat? I need your help with setting up tables."  
“You can call my anything.”  
“O-Okay.” 

They walked together, closer than Shatner was expecting. Ringo inching his way closer to Shatner's side. He was pleasantly shocked that Ringo wanted to be close to him, maybe he wasn't doing it intentionally. He couldn't focus on what he was doing, only being able to focus on Ringo's intense body heat, that was radiating off of him.

"Watch out Shat!" He could hear Ringo's beautiful Liverpudlian accent say before feeling the impact of a wall.  
"Oww! Thanks for the warning Ringo, even though I guess I wasn't able to heed it. Sorry about that I must have been distracted by….something." He blushed furiously while saying this, still thinking about the feeling of Ringo's body heat close to him, and he was saddened by its absence.

"Well it's no worry Shat, as long as you're okay", he put his hand gently on Shatner's shoulder, "Plus we're at the tables now." He gestured towards the folding tables stacked against the wall.  
"I'm okay Ringo, th-thank you for the concern." Shatner said unable to focus with Ringo's hand still on his shoulder. 

They worked very well together to put up all of the tables perfectly throughout the bingo place, preparing for a wonderful night of bingoing. They even set up a table at the front with all of the beautiful ms paintings that were going to be the prizes given out tonight. How Shatner wished to own such a masterpiece. 

They fell down into the chairs they placed in the front, their old bones aching from such an active event. People had begun to flood in, it was going to be a good bingo day.

After the bingoing was over they were sitting together, happy after such a successful bingo day.  
“Good work today Shat. How about we go get dinner.” Shatner's heart skipped a beat, go to dinner with Ringo? This really was a dream come true.  
"Yes. Yes a thousand times yes!" Shatner felt like jumping up and down and squealing but he didn’t because he’s trying to bring back manly men.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again to Shatner for blocking me


	4. A Night At Applebees

They arrived at the applebees, both very hungry after such a long day of bingoing. They walked into the applebees with their shoulders almost touching. Shatner was once again struggling to focus on anything other than Ringo's body heat. 

"Table for 2?" The hostess's voice snapped him out of his inappropriate not for applebees thoughts about Ringo. NSFA.  
"Yes please!" Ringo's beautiful voice rang out. 

The hostess led them to a small secluded table in the back close to the bathroom. Very romantic Shatner thought. They sat down and looked at the menus with large print they were given. "I think I'm just going to have my usual vegan applebees meal!" Ringo exclaimed, setting his menu down after only glancing at it.   
"Y-yeah I think I'm going to have my usual too." Shatner said nervously, as he hadn't actually been to an applebees in some time, preferring golden corral these days.

The waitress came by and they ordered their meals. Shatner had to refrain from calling her dear as not to make Ringo think he could be attracted to anyone else, as his last wife had. The waitress also brought them their drinks, Ringo's seltzer water with one ice cube, and Shatner's diet Pepsi max, coke is not okay. 

They talked while waiting for their food. They discussed their hard days work and what tomorrow's bingoing had in store for them. The waitress soon showed up with their food.  
"This looks like the best vegan applebees meal I've had yet!" Ringo said excitedly. 

They dug into their meals ravenously, as neither had eaten for the last hour.   
"So Shat what do you do for fun?" Ringo said after eating almost half of his meal in 3 large bites.   
"Oh, well I um like horses. And horseback riding. I um actually have a horse. Her name is Applejack."  
"Wow that sounds so cool! I've never been horseback riding but I've always wanted to. "  
“Well maybe you can come to my farm sometime and I can show you the ropes."  
"I'd like that, Shat."

Randal approached the table with a look in his eyes that could only mean he was ready to get down to business. His determination sent a shiver down Ringo’s spine.   
“I heard you had a good night tonight.”   
“I did!” Ringo said cheerfully.   
“You won’t be having too many of those for very long!” Randal said threateningly.   
“But why sir?” Ringo pleaded.   
“I’ve seen new bingo men, women, and even some nonbinary folk come through here thinking they can become a bingo person on the fly but they always get bored and quit.”   
“Well I’m different and I’m not going to give up that easily!” Ringo announced.   
“You’ll grow weary of the bingo life, whippersnapper. Listen son this is not the career for you. This isn’t like your little all star band.”   
Before Ringo could protest Randal walked away having said all he needed too. Ringo was shaken to his core with Randal’s warning. 

“Who was that?” Shatner was at the edge of his seat trying to fight the urge to get up and fight Randal even though he knows he will lose.   
“That was Randal, he owns one of the nearby bingo places.” Ringo said letting out a sigh he knew he was holding.   
“Well maybe we should give Randal a taste of his own medicine.”   
“Shat… no… just let it go.”   
Shatner took in a breath of the air he was sharing with Ringo and took his advice of letting it go. 

“I’ll pay, thank you for your help today.”  
He pulled out his credit card and Shatner couldn’t help but smile. Just a few days ago he was lying on his back scrolling through Ringo's twitter but now they were eating dinner together. Life had changed so drastically in the past day for Shatner. He was now closer than he ever imagined to the love of his life.


	5. Euphoria After Applebees

Ringo drove Shatner home and walked him to his door. They stood close together for what felt like forever but in actuality was only a few seconds. Shatner stared at Ringo's lips wanting so badly to kiss him but not knowing how to make the first move, due to his tremendous fear of rejection. He slowly unlocked his door and they said their goodbyes, the tense moment of almost kissing had passed but the tension was still in the air.

After closing the door behind him and watching as Ringo drove away, Shatner ran upstairs to his bedroom where he jumped head first into his pillow and squealed like a pig. He had just been on a date with the cutest boy to ever live! Shatner smiled; he had so much energy he didn’t know what to do with. He hadn’t felt this alive in a long time. 

After composing himself a bit Shatner pulled out his phone and opened his best friend's contact. He clicked on the name JK Rowling. They had met at a local terf convention. Shatner, not knowing exactly what a terf was, thinking it was a convention for lawn enthusiasts, showed up and still had a good time. He still doesn't know what a terf is.

"Hey JK! You'll never guess what I did today!"  
"Hello Shatner. You sound happy."  
"I am! I met the love of my life Ringo in person today!"  
“I’ve been having a terrible day! I saw a trans woman just living her life and oh god Shatner it was terrible.”  
"I hear you that sounds awful. Let me take your mind off of it by telling you about my day."

He then told her all about his amazing day with Ringo, and about their first date. He asked if she thought it really was a date and she said "That it was absolutely a date, no one takes their platonic bro friend to dinner at applebees and then pays for it." She also told him off for not kissing him at the door and informed him that he must make a move soon.  
"I will JK, I promise I'm just so afraid of being rejected it’s happened too many times."  
"I know Shatner but you must make the first move if you want to be the man in the relationship."  
"I do JK, I do. I promise to make a move soon, I won't let you down."  
“Ever since I made you gay, I have been so proud of what you’ve become.”   
“Thanks JK, I am so glad to have you as a supportive friend.” 

The call ended, both of them getting ready for bed as it was already almost 9 o'clock, and neither of them were used to being up this late. Shatner was exhausted. 

Shatner got a notification from twitter. Ringo just tweeted!

_@bingomanringo Wow! What a beautiful bingoy day! I just met my new partner in bingo and had a successful game! Peace and Love!_ 🍆❤️🥦😎🌟🌈☮️

His heart skipped a beat. “Was he talking about me?” Shatner muttered to himself in amazement. 

He went to sleep feeling so happy. Laying on his back thinking of Ringo and how good of a day they had and how they're going to do it all again tomorrow.


	6. A Great Day of Bingoing And Possibility

Ringo woke up feeling fulfilled, as if he had had a long successful day of bingoing. He had not been bingoing though as he had only just awoken. He then realized this feeling must be from whatever he was just dreaming about. He couldn't remember what he was dreaming about, only that it made him happy. Perhaps it was bingoing. He then got a twitter dm notification. 

It was shatner. That's who dmed him, and wait, that was also...who he was dreaming about.

_@WilliamShatner: Hey Bingoman 😉  
@bingomanringo: Hey, I was just thinking about you  
@WilliamShatner: Good things I hope. I’ve been thinking about you too 😏  
@bingomanringo: Only good things when it comes you Shatman  
@WilliamShatner: I'm glad. I can’t wait till I see you again later today. I’ll be counting the minutes until I see you again. _

Ringo had always admired Shatner and his work. Ringo loved his music,especially his cover of Rocket Man. He could never hear Elton’s song the same again. Plus Shat’s version was obviously superior. Ringo also loved him in the Twilight zone and even more importantly in Star Trek. The way his shirt ripped, though he would never admit it, it always excited him. But Ringo was straight as an arrow but did the arrow bend? Ringo was always too scared to explore that part of himself.  
Well other than that one drunken night with George but that's different he’s dead.  
Even though he supported John and Paul he couldn’t support himself. They seemed so happy together, maybe he could be that happy with Shatner. No Ringo scolded himself. Gay was such a dirty word it might’ve meant happy but that sort of joy was forbidden from boys like him. 

Ringo had a pep in his step as he walked to work. Shat was waiting by the door with a grin on his face. That smile. That damn smile made Ringo melt into a rainbow cloud slime. Ringo knew Shat didn’t feel the same way and even if he did Ringo wouldn’t admit his feelings.

“Good morning, Ringo.” Ringo loved the way Shatner said his name in his cute Candian accent.  
“Mornin’ Shat!” His excited tone did little to hide his nervous energy or the blush creeping on his face.  
“When we get inside can you help me set up the tables?” Ringo said as he unlocked the front bingo door.  
“Sure thing!” Shat said giddly. 

Oh that damn smile again. Ringo’s stomach was filled with butterflies, it could almost be considered as a medical emergency. They entered the building, Ringo took in a deep breath and tried to calm his beating heart and the swarm of butterflies in his guts. It didn't work. He could never calm his feelings for Shatner no matter how hard he tried. 

Ringo watched Shatner pick up a big stack of 4 chairs. He watched his ass as he squatted and picked up the chairs. He didn't want to let his gaze go to Shat’s magnificent ass, but with an ass like that how could he resist? As Shatner stood up Ringo snapped out of his trance and looked away embarrassed. Ringo went back to setting up the tables and chairs. 

“All done!” Shatner said. They stood so close it would’ve been uncomfortable if they didn’t find each other so attractive. His lips burned as he looked at Shat, god did he want to kiss him. It would have been so easy to just lean in and close the space between them, what must have only been an inch felt like miles. They took in the moment for a second before moving away from each other in embarrassment. 

Bingo was exciting but Ringo’s mind couldn’t help but wander back to Shat. Even when he was calling out things like “R, 1. R as in Ringo the best Beatles. 1 as in how many good drummers the Beatles had!” and “B, 37. B as in Beatles! 37 as in how many women I’ve been with!” But he still felt empty without Shatner embracing him. He wanted his two firm arms around him. How he longed to feel his embrace. To be close enough to smell the bud light on his breath again. 

“Thank you for your help today.”  
“No problem… hey would you umm… nevermind.” Shatner chickened out from asking him to go on a date.  
“Well uh I have tickets to a Steely Dan show tonight.”  
“That would be great! Here’s my phone number, text me so we can hash out the details!” Shatner said before leaving. Shatner had no idea what a Steely Dan was but was excited for what he thought was a date.


	7. A Night With Steely Dan

Ringo was on his way to pick Shatner up for the Steely Dan concert. Shatner was beyond excited. Another date? First dinner and now a concert? Oh. My. God. Were they going to kiss tonight? How many dates does it usually take before you kiss? Shatner didn't know. It had been so long since his last wife that he couldn't remember. Plus none of those relationships really mattered. His true love has always been Ringo. He just never thought he could have him so he settled for whatever else he could find. 

Shatner was startled out of his daze and daydreams about kissing Ringo by a knock on his door. Ringo! He was here now. Shatner ran to the door and threw it open to reveal the love of his life standing there. He looked absolutely stunning. He was wearing a gorgeous red crushed velvet suit. The red really brings out his eyes. Shatner was only wearing khakis and a black polo shirt so he hoped he wasn't underdressed, but then Ringo said "Wow Shatner you look gorgeous!" He then began to blush furiously and look embarrassed. 

They walked to the car together close enough for their fingers to almost brush. They were so close but it wasn't enough. It couldn't be enough unless they were close enough to be one instead of two. Ringo then opened the passenger door for him, and Shatner stepped in as he turned to give Ringo one of the most genuine smiles of his life. He had never felt as content as he did in this simple moment of domesticity, the possibilities of spending the rest of his short life like this. 

They got to the concert and sat down in the third row. "Why are we only in the third row? I thought you knew a guy." Shatner said in confusion. "I do but he's only the manager, plus he totally respects me but I don't respect him at all so we have a tense acquaintanceship." He paused "Also I don't trust any of the members of Steely Dan so I can't ask them for front row seats. I originally thought it was one man named Steely Dan and not a whole band and after learning it was a group and not just one man I lost all of my trust for Steely Dan."

The song Rikki Don’t Lose My Number started to play and Shatner deeply identified with the lyrics. He had just given Ringo his number and he was terrified that somehow Ringo would lose it or even worse delete it. Shatner was always insecure that Ringo would unfollow him and this carried over to his number being deleted. 

Ringo interlocked his arm with Shatner.   
“Stand up, we're going to pull out our lighters.” Ringo said.   
Shatner took out a lighter with his other hand and stood up with Ringo. They lighted their lighters. Shatner was overwhelmed by the sound and his touch but it was almost not enough. They swayed from side to side as they showed their appreciation for the band. Shatner’s heart was beating erratically and he almost thought he was having a heart attack. 

After they were done showing their appreciation Shatner pulled out his phone and took a photo of the band and sent it to JK. 

_Shatner: I’m having the time of my life at this Steely Dan concert!_  
JK: I didn’t know you liked Steely Dan  
Shatner: I don’t Ringo got the tickets 

JK left him on read but Shatner didn’t think much of it considering their conversations always ended at random. Shatner continued to have a good time with Ringo as they watched the concert. He never felt closer to Ringo. 

When it was over Shatner was slightly sad but still happy he went. Ringo and Shatner walked back to the parking lot where once again Ringo opened the car door for him. The drive was filled with lively conversation about their love for Justin Bieber. They both preferred the early version of Justin’s catalogue rather than whatever nonsense Yummy was. They didn’t agree on everything though Ringo thought Never Say Never was his best song while Shatner thought Baby was his best.

As Shatner entered his house he was filled by guilt and shame over the fact that Ringo took the initiative and not him. He couldn’t help but worry what JK would think over him not being the man in the relationship. Shatner wanted to call JK to talk about the amazing date but he couldn't lie to her she was his best friend. After much debate he called JK.


	8. The Trial To End All Trials

Ringo drove away from Shatner’s house after dropping him off feeling content. They had a really great bros night out. He wished that one day they could be hoes instead of bros, but he knew he could never let himself give into those homosexual desires. He pulled up his bops for the soul playlist and hit shuffle. Amish Paradise started to play and he began to epicly vibe to his favorite Weird Al song. How he wished to one day live in an amish paradise of his own. 

He swayed his head from side to side almost causing him to drift into traffic. Even though he was endangering himself and others the vibes were to die for, and he was willing to die for them if he had to. He soon pulled up into his own long (because he's very rich) driveway. He was lost in his own head thinking of his sinful feelings for Shatner, and singing along to his music. He stepped out of his car after the last song ended, his head still full of Shatners beautiful face and lips.

He opened his front door, thinking little of the fact it was unlocked. Silly him in his old age must have forgotten to lock it when he left. Well at least no one broke in. Then suddenly he was submerged in darkness as a sack was thrown over his head and he was then knocked out with what felt like a children’s book.

Ringo woke up tied to a chair. He looked around the dark basement room to see a table in front of him and a chair next to him with a beanie baby snail. All of a sudden the world renowned author JK Rowling walked down the stairs.   
“Now since you're tied up you can’t give the oath of truth so I have an alternative.” She pulled out a tiny pocket bible and placed it in front of his face. “Now put your tongue on the bible and repeat after me.” Ringo gave the oath of truth the best he could while his tongue was out of commission. 

JK collapsed her hands together striking the fear of so many gods in Ringo’s heart.   
“Now that we’re done with the oath of truth we can finally get to the trial!”  
“The trial?”  
“Yes the trial, what did you think you were here for?”  
Ringo was excited to have a purpose in being kidnapped. He didn’t express this sudden joy in fear that JK would take away the pleasure of knowing that he had a purpose.   
“What am I on trial for?”  
“For making Shatner a woman.”  
“I didn't know Shatner was trans, good for her!”  
“NO! THAT IS NOT WHAT I MEANT!”   
She suddenly pulled out an electric razor.  
“W-What are y-you doing?”  
“I’m giving you a taste of your own medicine.”   
JK proceeded to shave Ringo’s legs while Ringo writhed against the restraints. Ringo would occasionally mutter begs and pleads for JK to stop. Not because he was in physical pain but mental pain, the emotional torture was too much for Ringo to take. He hated the idea of having smooth womanly legs. 

“Now you’re ready for the trial! I hope you got acquainted with your lawyer to your right.” Ringo looked back at the beanie baby snail with a sad look in his eyes knowing that he would lose this trial. Little did he know the beanie baby snail graduated top of her class from Harvard. She took a gap year after her sophomore year to go find herself, and learned a lot about the power of friendship. She lived a very fascinating life but this story was not about her. 

“So now let's get to the trial. You are accused of not letting Shatner be the man in the relationship-”  
“The relationship? Do you mean our business partnership?”   
“Sure, whatever you people want to call it.”  
“Well in that case we’re both the men in the relationship, business has no gender.”   
“Don’t be stupid everything has a gender.”  
“Not my love for Bingo.”   
“Anyway back to the point. You have been accused of making Shatner, the obvious top and man, the woman in your relationship. How do you plead?”  
Ringo wondered what she meant by top, he thought that she was talking about bunk beds but they’ve never slept together.   
“I… am confused. What is all this legal terminology that you're using?”   
“I take this to mean you choose not to plead anything? In that case we can just bring out the sorting hat to determine your fate.”  
“I guess???” 

JK left the basement and headed back upstairs. She soon returned with an old raggedy looking hat. That hat looked like it had seen many terf conventions in its day. JK put the sorting hat on Ringo and made it speak   
“Your punishment is… DEATH BY WATERBOARDING!”


	9. Shatner's Suspicions

Shatner woke up at the same time he did every morning. He still felt happy and content from his previous day’s activities with Ringo. Thinking of Ringo, and his smile, and his hands, and the way his ass looked in that gorgeous crushed red velvet suit, he let out a content sigh laying on his back.

He checked twitter and was immediately concerned when he didn’t see Ringo’s regular Good Morning tweet. Was he okay? He never slept in this late and always tweeted when he woke up. Something must be wrong, maybe he got sick at the Steely Dan concert last night. Shatner knew there was a reason he didn’t trust that Dan, he was very unclean and never wore a mask. 

Shatner opened up his text messages and sent Ringo a text.  
Good morning Ringo, hope you’re doing well. I had a lot of fun last night! :)  
He sat in anticipation waiting for a response. He never left him on read and Shatner knew Ringo opened his texts as soon as he got them. Why was he taking so long? Is he okay? Does he hate Shatner? No. Ringo didn't hate him, he must be sick. That's the only explanation. 

Shatner got in the car and picked up vegan chicken nuggets at the Publix. He drove to Ringo’s house to check on him and give him his favorite comfort meal in his time of great need. Shatner knew that Ringo would do the same for him. When he got to his house he rang the doorbell. ...No one answered. Shatner hit it again and was met with the same silence. Then he tried knocking thinking the doorbell was broken. Still nothing. Ringo must’ve been ignoring him and so Shatner sadly drove back home defeated. 

Shatner couldn’t help but feel that maybe Ringo wasn’t talking to him because of something he did. Maybe his outfit wasn’t snazzy enough to go to a steely dan concert. Maybe he should’ve dressed up more. Or maybe Ringo was mad at him for his clothing being too white. Or maybe he found out what a homosexual simp he was. 

“God I’m such a failure.” Shatner said as he looked into the mirror. Which was an obvious fact to everyone but himself until this very moment. The last time he wasn’t a failure was when he was but a lass. Shatner pulled out his phone and called JK.

“Hey JK… Ringo’s not answering my texts and he won’t answer the door, I’m worried.”  
“Oh Shatner, I’m sure you’re just overreacting.”   
“I don’t know JK, this is unusual and out of character for him.”   
“Oh what would you know you only met him a few days ago.”  
“But it feels like I’ve known him my entire life.”   
Shatner then heard a muffled scream, he would know that scream from anywhere, it was Ringo Starr, The Beatles. Shatner knew that JK was holding his boy, his man, Ringo Starr.   
“JK where are you?”  
“The abandoned Costco, why?”  
“No reason JK. I have to go now, talk to you later bestie.” He tried his best to sound normal, hoping she wouldn't catch on.


	10. Ratner and Rat Water

JK had her hand on the back of Ringo’s head. Ringo feared being pushed into the cold water that he saw the rats drinking out of. Ringo would’ve begged and pleaded for her to stop if only he wasn’t paralyzed with fear. He was getting flashbacks to the time John pushed him into the icy lake and he almost lost his sense of smell. Before Ringo could muster up the courage to beg for his life JK pushed his head into the icy rat water. 

Ringo tried to hold his breath but the air ran out and his lungs started to fill up with the cold rat water. It felt almost like his lungs were on fire which was very queer because the water was as cold as ice. Oh god he was going to die in an abandoned costco with his legs shaved and all because he got too close to Shatner. He spent so much of his life denying himself of the beauty men, especially Shatner, had to offer. All the gay moments he missed out on. If he could go back and change something he’d tell the truth. He’d make a tweet saying _I’m a homosexual!_ And maybe add a tasteful gif of Shatner in that one twilight zone episode just because he looked hot. 

JK jerked his head out of water so fast it almost gave him whiplash. He gasped for air, relieving in the sweet sensation of oxygen, even if it was the musty costco basement and JK Rowling air. It was still better than that fire water. He took a few more deep breaths, knowing JK would not allow him the simple pleasure of oxygen for much longer. 

He was correct. After only a few more seconds, his head was shoved back into the water, more aggressively than a 12 year old trying to drown the bitchy girls at the local pool. He could feel the oxygen leaving him, and his lungs once again starting to burn. What is wrong with this water? He could feel the cold water dripping down the back of his neck and starting to soak his beautiful red crushed velvet suit, it was only supposed to be dry cleaned, and this isn't very dry.

The worst part of all of this, other than the fact he’ll never get to tell Shatner how he truly felt about him, was the rats. He wanted to scream because he could feel the tongue of a rat on his forehead as it drank the water, no care for the fact that he was there being waterboarded. His mouth was open and he knew he was getting rat saliva in his mouth. Oh god he was going to die with rabies. He even felt what he could only describe as a rat having a water birth right under his face. 

“JK!” Ringo heard to his relief. He could see Shatner from out of the corner of his eyes. Shatner was like a breath of fresh air after you were waterboarded by a transphobic children’s author. Jk loosened her grip on his head and he rushed to Shatner the best he could with his hands, legs, and tits tied down. He didn’t get that far which wasn’t much of a problem because Shatner rushed to him. He wrapped his arms around Ringo’s cold, soaked, crushed red velvet suit. The suit was ruined but that wasn’t a problem because he was being held by the man he loved.  
“Oh I’m so glad you’re okay, I had to work with Randal to find you!” 

Suddenly 3 cops entered the room. The pigs arrested JK which was the best thing they’ve ever done for the trans community. Ringo felt safer than he ever did in his entire life just because of Shatner even though he still had rope on his tities.  
“You... talked to Randal… to find me?” Ringo was shocked nobody ever did anything so selfless for him.  
“Of course. I had to find you no matter the price.” he took a long breath preparing himself to say something. “The thing is Ringo...I...I love you. I think I have for a while, possibly since before we ever met. I know you'll probably think less of me now because of my homosexual tendencies, but I just had to tell you the truth, I hope that perhaps we can still be friends. But if not I totally understand…”  
“Shatner!” Ringo cut off his rant, “Look at me Shatner, I love you too. I want to be with you, I have for a while.”  
They both wanted to say more but couldn’t articulate what they wanted, no, needed, to say. And without another word the EMT’s entered and took Ringo away because apparently getting waterboarded requires medical attention… but I’m not a doctor, I'm a fanfic writer so what do I know. Shatner was bitter they wouldn’t allow him to ride in the ambulance with Ringo.


	11. I Can't Say No To This

Shatner sat in the waiting room with his heart beating erratically. He knew that Ringo loved him but did that truly mean that he would get everything he ever wanted? Maybe Ringo loved him but didn’t want to date hime because he didn’t want to be in a homosexual relationship with Shatner. Maybe Ringo only loved him in a straight way, not in a gay way. What if they do start dating and it’s not as perfect as Shatner thought it was going to be.

“Shatner?” A nurse called for him.   
“Yes! Thats me!” He rushed over excited at the prospect they were going to finally let him see Ringo. “Can see him now?!”  
“Yes you can, he's right over here in room 420.” (like my birthday)  
He followed the nurse into the room. Shatner entered the room to the Hamilton soundtrack on shuffle playing quietly. 

“Hey…” He said as he sat down on the chair next to Ringo’s bed and spread his legs to assert his dominance. He was obviously compensating for the fact that he was insecure in his inability to not cry.   
“Hey.” Ringo said, sounding exhausted and drained. Shatner was concerned that the water boarding really took that much out of him.   
“Are you doing alright?”  
“Yeah I’m good I’m on a lot of pain killers so I’m vibing.”   
“Oh, maybe it’s not a good time to talk about what happened.”  
“It’s fine, did you bring my phone?”  
“Yeah it’s right here.”

Shatner handed him his phone and Ringo quickly got to work tweeting. He did exactly what he said he would do, tweet _I’m A Homosexual_ with the gif of Shatner in that one twilight zone episode. Shatner got the notification but didn’t look at it just because he was too concerned with Ringo to care about whatever silly trolls he thought were messaging him. When Ringo was finished he placed his phone on the side table and turned back to Shatner.

“Hey Shat, it might just be the drugs talking, but I think you told me you loved me earlier. If that's true and all I want to say I love you too. If it's not true I still love you I guess.”  
“Well yeah, I love you but I don’t know what to do about it. I’ve loved you for a long time and you probably think that’s creepy and sinful and you’re probably right.”   
“No Shat I would never think that about you. And i actually have an idea about what you can do about it.”  
“What is it?”  
“Well...maybe you could kiss me?”  
“Oh umm sure.” Shatner turned into an UwU soft shy boi and he leaned over to kiss Ringo.   
“Well that was nice.”  
“Oh, you sure?”  
“Shatner, I’m tripping balls but I know a nice kiss when it happens.”

Shatner will forever remember the day he kissed his bingo partner Ringo while Say No To This played in the background. From then on that became their song.


	13. Fatty Milkers

Shatner looked through an old stack of papers and notebooks. He opened one from a time before he had ever met Ringo. A time when he could never believe a life together was possible. This was where he would write about his feelings for Ringo, when it was merely an unrequited crush for a man he had never met. Now that man was his boyfriend. How times change.  
At the back of the book was a poem he wrote while sober and frustrated. 

_I'm tired of being in love with you_

_I'm tired of no signs from you_

_Your love was just a fantasy I entertained but would never get_

_Why do I always choose the unavailable ones to share my love_

_I'll fall out of love_

_If you ever love me don't tell_

_We would never work_

_We both know that_

_I took off the rose tinted glasses_

_Now I see all the red flags_

_Goodbye to my crush on you_

The poem hit Shatner in a way he never thought a poem could. He promised to never take Ringo and their relationship for granted. The man he was when he soberly wrote this poem could never imagine the life he was currently living, one where Ringo Starr could love him back. 

He set the poem down and went to the other room to get his favorite black and pink Hannah Montana duffle bag (with her face right on the side). He wanted only the best for carrying Ringo’s stuff in, it was the least he deserved. He grabbed a lacroix from his own fridge and tossed it in the bag, a treat for Ringo for laer. It was Ringo’s favorite flavor, orange, Shatner didn't like it that much but always made sure to have some in his house in case Ringo came over. 

Once Shatner got to Ringo’s house and used the key Ringo gave him to open the door, he got to looking for everything Ringo wanted. He looked at the list Ringo had given him.  
3 pairs of clean underwear (red, yellow, and blue)  
A scented candle (no lighter)  
My diary (its pink and bedazzled)  
My issue of men’s swimsuit magazine  
My mini drum set (by my bed)  
My ipod 3 (and my orange headphones)  
My tiny buddha statue  
My pocket bible (the green one… it’s also bedazzled)  
My oversized depression hoodie (i'm not depressed right now is just super comfy)  
Depression pajama pants (they’re rainbow and fluffy)  
Depression slippers  
Depression onesie  
A knife  
A fork  
A frisbee (to eat off of)  
A bag of goldfish (because I can’t bite the heads off of real ones)  
My small weighted justin bieber blanket (its blue and has his face on it)  
Horse stuffed animal (because I always wanted to see a horse in a hospital)  
Commmunist manifesto 

Shatner doesn’t support Ringo’s communism but everyone has flaws, even perfect Ringo. Shatner always believed the red scare should’ve continued, but a difference in ideological beliefs should never get between love, since love always wins over Shatner’s hate of communism. He loved him slightly more than he hated communism. Shatner believed that we all needed to do our part to take down communism in places like France. He hoped to one day be able to sway Ringo's views to correctly believe that capitalism is the only way. (Obviously that was never going to happen but a disgraced cis actor can hope, right?)

Shatner soon arrived at the hospital, excited to see Ringo again. He hadn't seen him since that morning when Ringo gave him the list, and that was an hour and a half ago. He hadn't gone that long without seeing him since before they were together, on the day Ringo was kidnapped and waterboarded. It was hard to go so long without seeing his beloved, but he had managed. 

Shatner placed the Hannah Montana bag on Ringo’s side table. Ringo kissed Shatner on the cheek.  
“Thank you, I love everything about you.”  
“Oh like what?” Shatner said as he sat down in the chair beside Ringo.  
“I really like your fatty milkers.” Ringo said aggressively blushing.  
“Oh, these old things?” Shatner said, touching his fat hooters. “I love your nose.”  
“Really? You don’t think it’s too much?” Ringo had always held insecurities about his huge nose.  
“The more there is, the more to love.” he said kissing Ringo on his large nose. 

The nurse walked in “Umm… Bernie Sanders is here to see you.” Neither of them knew a Bernie Sanders, nor did they know of him. They were both vastly inexperienced in American politics.  
“Bernie Sanders?” Ringo said.  
“Y’know the senator from Vermont?”  
“Vermont? That’s not a real place.” Shatner said.  
The nurse didn’t argue, they were too tired from the long day of old people complaining while they were high off Oxycontin.  
“Well he’s here, do you want him to come up?”  
Shatner and Ringo both glanced at each other and agreed to let him in.  
“Sure.”

A few minutes later Randle wandered in.  
“Oh hey whippersnapper how are you?”  
“Oh hey Randle, we’re waiting for a guy named Bernie Sanders.” Ringo said happily.  
“Ugh him!”  
“You know him?”  
“They always confuse me for him. We’re apparently long lost twin brothers according to my now deceased mother.”  
“Long lost brother? Does that mean you’ve never met him?”  
“Well yeah. That’s not why I’m here, I’m here to say I’m sorry for everything I said to you. I was worried that you would somehow steal my business.”  
“Thank you, Randle.”

Ringo might have accepted the apology but Shatner was quietly judging Randle. It would  
take a lot of work for Shatner to accept his apology. He wanted to protect his lover Ringo the best he could from what he perceived to be the evil’s of the world like Randle, even though Randle was overall a more well rounded person than him. Shatner mostly didn’t accept the apology though because Randle was 6 feet and Shatner was 5’10. 

“Ringo when you get discharged I can teach you the ropes of running a bingo place and even introduce you to the group if you like.”  
“That would be amazing! I’ve been so lonely! I’ve only had one friend other than Shatner since John and George died!” He said way too enthusiastically for someone who was still grieving his dear close friends. 

Randle and Ringo chatted about Bingo for a few more minutes before he left, Shatner scowlded at Randle the entire time. Shatner was honestly terrified what would happen if Ringo had more Bingo friends. Would he leave him? Would they stay bingo partners? Shatner felt their partnership was too fragile to have other people involved.


End file.
